They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
