i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she pinky promised me she was 18
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
