he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
