I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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