i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
