Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
