I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
