I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
