I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
