i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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