Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
