I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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