and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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