Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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