Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
