Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
