Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
