I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
