Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
