im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
