Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
