i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
