If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
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Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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