If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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