i may or may not be watching the land before time
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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