I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
