Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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