Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
