I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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