I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
