The maid of honor just puked.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
