Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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