Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Edward fifth and chaser hands
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
