I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
