Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
