why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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