my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
