do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
