Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
