so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize