Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
