If that was your dad, he is hot
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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