4 words: hood of his car
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
