last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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