I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
