I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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