how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
