haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
