I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
