He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
