You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
