you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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