drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
