who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Why are your pants in the freezer?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
