Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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